Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I’m fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I’ve ever had growing up could attest.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Hitler really wasn’t so bad. In the black way.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.