Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Don’t commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Every once in a while your world stands still… There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot’s asleep.

The best things in life aren’t things.

Writing humor in my column isn’t as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young, I was unhappy and most of all, I was undisciplined. The Marine Corps was the right service in the right place at the right time.