Craig Ferguson Quotes

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. ‘Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.’ With Larry I think it goes, ‘Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.

That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.