Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn’t less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer’s is? It’s when you forget everything but your grudges.
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times… Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you’re right.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Approached literally, there’s but a hair’s difference between You’d better not pout, you’d better not cry, and Don’t scream.
I’ve never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
I’m going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Somewhere, there’s someone who’s masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.