Dave Barry Quotes

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or ‘fat recycling,’ wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.