Demetri Martin Quotes

When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’

I need to develop some patience – immediately.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name…..DJ Abraham Lincoln

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous… pizzerias in my neighborhood, it’s really hard to find one that isn’t famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don’t want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don’t need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray’s Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.