Doug Stanhope Quotes

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby – go get an old man. There’s unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

There’s times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

I’ve done coke ’til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop’s only job is to ruin the party.

I don’t like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It’s aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can’t get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn’t say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: ‘What are you going to do about that, faggot?’ That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock’s saucer-shaped ears, that’s not cowardice. That’s payback.