Fred Allen Quotes

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, ‘What’s the matter?’ And I said, ‘I don’t feel good.’ And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, ‘What’s the matter?’ And I told her. I said, ‘I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else’s that I was involved in.’ And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody – all of these executions all sprung forward.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

Three million frogs’ legs are served in Paris – daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They’re afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.