You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Tennis is a young man’s game. Until you’re 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won’t tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court – just on my side of the net.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.
If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.