I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don’t let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
I thought to myself, ‘why not write a bestseller?’ In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
There’s nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
How did I ever get sick? I’ve already had everything.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.