My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
I only come to life when there are people watching.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
Imitation isn’t the sincerest form of flattery – it’s plagiarism.
I don’t hate my enemies. After all, I made ’em.
I won’t mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn’t heard.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
Congress: Bingo with billions.