I have something I need to tell you, he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. I might be in love with you. He smiles a little. I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though. That’s sensible of you, I say, smiling too. We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something. I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear. Maybe I’m already sure, he says, and I just don’t want to frighten you. I laugh a little. Then you should know better. Fine, he says. Then I love you.

Then I realize what it is. It’s him. Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. Or turn to liquid. Or burst into flames.

I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.

I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.

I belong to the people I love, and they belong to me–they, and the love and loyaty I give them, form my identity far more than any word or group ever could.

Okay. Then…I can talk. Ask me something. Okay. He laughs shakily in my ear. Why is your heart racing Tris? I cringe and say, Well, I…I barely know you. I barely know you and I’m crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?… Maybe you were cut out for Candor, he says, because you’re a terrible liar.

But when I do feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.

Yeah, well, I say, I left Abnegation because I wasn’t selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be. That’s not entirely true. He smiles at me. That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me-that selfless girl, that’s not you?… You’ve been paying close attention, haven’t you? I like to observe people/ Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you’re a terrible liar.

Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up. I’ve seen it. It’s fascinating. He releases me but doesn’t pull away, his hand grazing my jaw, my neck. Sometimes I just…want to see it again. Want to see you awake.

I love you I say. I love you, too he says. I’ll see you soon.

Wait a second, Four says. I turn toward him, wondering which version of Four I’ll see now-the one who scolds me, or the one who climbs Ferris wheels with me. He smiles a little, but the smile doesn’t spread to his eyes, which look less tense and worried. You belong here, you know that? he says. You belong with us. It’ll be over soon, so just hold on, okay? He scratches behind his ear and looks away, like he’s embarrassed by what he said. I stare at him. I feel my heartbeat everywhere, even in my toes. I feel like doing something bold, but I could just as easily walk away. I am not sure which option is smarter, or better. I am not sure that I care. I reach out and take his hand. His fingers slide between mine. I can’t breathe. I stare up at him, and he stares down at me. For a long moment, we stay that way. Then I pull my hand away and run after Uriah and Lynn and Marlene. Maybe now he thinks I’m stupid, or strange. Maybe it was worth it.

I think you’re still the only person sharp enough to sharpen someone like me.