We are still talking and seeing each other once a month, so I am more or less dating a married man. I have mentioned to him many times that I hate to destroy someone else’s family life and he just says it has nothing to do with you and you do not affect any decision I make with my marriage. He really loves me and does his best to support me emotionally. He swears to the God that he is not happy with his wife and they are just like brother and sisters. Whenever I start talking about breaking up he says you can not find any one who treats you like me (he really does his best both financially and emotionally) I love you and don’t want to lose you. He has promised to take me to Canada soon and supporting me completely and proving me that I am the true woman in his life. I really don’t want to get fooled by him.
I want to look for jobs in other states but he is pushing me to not to and move to Canada. His plan is staying together for 2 years until he can decide about his wife and see if she wants to get divorce and mean while knowing each other better. He can not divorce her right away because money is involved. Please give me advice. I don’t want to lose job or relationship opportunities by tying myself to him for a long time and no further. Whenever I start talking about marring to someone else he gets angry and says I am the only man in your life you already had the experience and why you want to do the same mistake again? Really what should I do? I really like him but I can not afford to lose again. Do you see any bright future in this kind of relationships? Thank you a lot Dr. Ghaed!
– Submitted by Leslie, aka “Confused woman in a relationship with a married man”, 30, Grosse Ile , Michigan – United States
**********My Dear Friend…
Thank you for writing in. Please forgive me because I am probably going to be the harbinger of bad news. I cannot in good conscience tell you what I think you would like to hear but what I believe is not true.
It is likely that this married man with whom you are involved will never leave his wife. Here is the evidence. She already left him. He’s not happy with her, but he took her back. He had an OUT, but he did not take it. And even when she came back, he still has an out ANY TIME HE CHOOSES TO USE IT…because she abandoned him first. There is obviously a deep attachment here that you may or may not be able to compete with…he has even told you that he probably won’t consider divorcing her for 2 more years. Blah, blah, blah. I cannot even begin to tell you how many emails I receive every month describing exactly your situation. There are rare circumstances that warrant some forgiveness, but honestly…by in large, these men do NOT leave their wives. And why would they? They can eat their cake and have it too.
As an aside: You didn’t destroy his family. He and his wife managed to let their relationship fall apart, and you somehow got tangled up in when you met him in an honest way while he was “alone.” The problem is that you remain tangled up even though his wife has returned.
This is my advice for you…and again I apologize because I know you may be heartbroken from this situation. However, you can also walk away with your pride, integrity, and self-esteem, knowing that you did the right thing. Tell him that you can no longer carry on relations with him while his is married. Tell him that you will stay with him only …ONLY…if he files for divorce this week and shows you a copy of the paperwork. Does his wife even know you exist? This is not a good situation for you to be in. If he says that he cannot divorce her, then do not walk, do not stop to collect $200….RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Let’s be honest. If he really REALLY wanted to, he would leave her and start a life with you. He has not.
And at the very end of the day, aside from the issue of just keeping your own life simple and honest, there is an issue of common sense and morality. Remember the old saying: If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. My dear, perhaps he does not know better, but you can. And you can and should do the right thing. It is not only NOT fair to YOU, but it’s also not fair to be in the middle of a marriage that is failing to thrive. Your very participation in this triangle will prevent them from even having a fair shot. If you were in her shoes, how would you feel about the woman lingering around your husband? Life is messy. No need to add to the mess.
– Dr. G
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