Best Funny Religious Quotes

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in’ worn out.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

If there were no God, there would be no atheists.

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.

No, I don’t know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me … that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Believe those who seek the truth, doubt those who find it; doubt all, but do not doubt yourself.

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.

An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? No, said the priest, not if you did not know. Then why, asked the Inuit earnestly, did you tell me?

The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason.

Where knowledge ends, religion begins.