Best Hilarious Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

I didn’t have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

If you’re a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

The best part about being alone is that you really don’t have to answer to anybody. You do what you want.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

I’ll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

A conglomerate heap of trash, that’s what I am. But it burns with a high flame.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.