Browsing Topic Best Hilarious Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

The best part about being alone is that you really don’t have to answer to anybody. You do what you want.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

If you’re a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

I didn’t have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends.

One possible reason that I don’t believe in fate is that I wasn’t fated to.

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not 20.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

I don’t have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

Look how often the unexpected happens – yet we still never expect it.