Browsing Topic Best Jokes Quotes

Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an ‘inconvenience.’ We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.

People who don’t like cats haven’t been around them. There’s the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Art once made a cult of beauty. Now we have a cult of ugliness instead. This has made art into an elaborate joke, one which by now has ceased to be funny.

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.

All right. Joke’s over, too much is at stake. If there was ever a time, if there was, in U.S. history, ever a time, to invoke the 25th Amendment, it is now. As Joe Biden himself put it, ‘For God’s sakes, this man cannot remain in power’, for all of our sakes.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

The fact is, the Middle East has been going crazy for 50, 60, 70 years. So it’s not like, ‘Oh, I need an ISIS joke.’

The reason of idleness and of crime is the deferring of our hopes. Whilst we are waiting, we beguile the time with jokes, with sleep, with eating, and with crimes.

A joke is a joke or the image of a truth.

No reason to get excited,’ the thief, he kindly spoke, There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.

Fashion has become a joke. The designers have forgotten that there are women inside the dresses.

It’s fairly obvious, since Richard Nixon, that there is no such thing as a fair deal for any voter in the United States — You’re just not gonna get it. It’s a joke — the people that you vote for, they’re the next best thing to criminals. But of course they have money for advertising campaigns that make them look a little bit better than they actually are.

If fate doesn’t make you laugh, you just don’t get the joke.

Never joke at funerals, or during business transactions.

I loved the idea that I could write a joke and someone else would have to take the risk of performing it.

I do wear wigs. … I sometimes make the joke about me standing on a hilltop with my hair blowing in the wind – and me too proud to run after it.

And what exactly is a dream and what exactly is a joke?

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I never heard Coen brothers get defensive, ever. You get with these filmmakers doing the hardest work in the world, and they’re not defensive. They’re happy together, they crack jokes together, they have different opinions – and it doesn’t bother them that they have different opinions. So no wonder their work is so good, because you’re getting two for the price of one.

We feel that what’s too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman…come in the guise of a comic…to heal perception by using…’jokes’.

R2-D2 is like that, but I think because he doesn’t speak actual words, his jokes don’t land. It’s really a hindrance. And the same with BB-8. But Artoo is a lot stronger.

I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don’t have the strength to protest.

Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.

I make comedies and I always try… I don’t try but I allow to have at least 5% of the jokes or have some jokes that I know will be understood by only about 5% of the audience. It’s that guy in the corner who gets it and laughs. But he has to have his jokes too. That’s part of my audience. Part of my audience is the people who will only get certain things.

I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he’s a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.