Browsing Topic Best Sarcastic Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

You are never too old to become younger!

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

A good conscience is a continual Christmas.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t… Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe…same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

I love smiles. That is a fact. How to develop smiles? There are a variety of smiles. Some smiles are sarcastic. Some smiles are artificial-diplomatic smiles. These smiles do not produce satisfaction, but rather fear or suspicion. But a genuine smile gives us hope, freshness. If we want a genuine smile, then first we must produce the basis for a smile to come.

You can’t find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.