Single Mom Looking To Meet The One

Hi Dr. G.

I read your advice to others regularly. Thank you. I have been a member of the Love Expands dating service for a short few weeks now. I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 years old daughter. So far so good on this site but the men I have met on other dating sites and apps have either used and abused me emotionally and financially. Or after a month of dating, they would tell me that we are not spending enough quality time together and it’s not worth their time. They all know from the beginning that I’m not into games and I’m looking for a serious relationship to settle down and have a family again. I’m being patient. But at the same time, I get attached to my guy. If he would take an inch for me I would take 100 steps for him. I know for sure I have a big heart.

I am 37 but everyone says I look and act like a 29 mature woman. I am serious about finding my future man and settling down. Just giving you a heads up that most of these Persian men on the site are just a bunch of players and heart brokers. They are not young anymore. They are over the age of 35 and even if they say they want to settle down and they want children, they always find an excuse to end a perfect relationship or use the girlfriend. How can a single mom like me who is dying to find her soul mate and settle down find the right guy on this site? Thanks for your time.

– Submitted by Michelle, 37, California

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Dear Friend,

Ok. Hold your horses. Not only have you clearly articulated desperation in your email, but the very tone of your email suggests you are desperate…and headed towards disaster!

I get it. You’re nearing the big 4-O. It’s scary. I know! But, you still have time, so please….slow your row. I understand that you want to be in a stable and committed relationship – you and the rest of the world. But, you have a 9-year old daughter, so you’d better take it easy here for a few reasons. She is your PRIORITY and primary responsibility. She is also at the PERFECT age where if you don’t choose carefully, she will fall victim to abuse and even molestation by a step-father. Yes, I know, “it would never happen to me, I would never choose so badly” blah blah blah. Unless you are in my field, you may live in the happy land of denial, but I will tell you that child sexual abuse is EXTREMELY common. Child abuse for girls is about 1 in 3 and this is what is reported. No doubt, this is an UNDERestimation. Furthermore, your daughter is about to start developing into a woman, so be aware of what is going on around you as she enters this phase and as you introduce new men into your (and her) life. I realize it’s a horrible thought, unfathomable to most, but it is very much a reality. You want to make sure you are not in that 33%, okay?

If you’re wondering why my response has taken this strange direction when all you were asking about is the men you date from this website, it’s because of some of the things you emailed. You state that the men you have met so far have “used and abused” you “emotionally and financially”…ok…so how and why? Just how many men are we talking? Is it all about the men here are are you accountable? What is YOUR PART in all of this? I’m wondering if your choice of men is factoring into any of this? It’s great…look 29 and have a young spirit…BUT, please think like a 37-year old with a young daughter. If you are dating these men who are not good for you…then how will they be good for your daughter?!!!

I think you might be barking up the wrong tree. I’m not arguing with you about the fact that there are some 35 and 40 year-old teenagers out there…but you shouldn’t be dating them to begin with, no matter how appealing. If you are ending up with “players” there must be some reason. You need to take a little “time out” and try to figure out what that reason is…it’s important…the safety and happiness of not only yourself, but also your innocent daughter, depends on it. S-L-O-W your row. Desperation could lead to disaster. Try to reframe your life and create a full, happy life for yourself and your daughter WITHOUT a man. This is when you will meet and recognize the right man. As long as you are “dying” to find your soulmate, you won’t find one…because any man with any sense would see that red flag in a heartbeat and run in the other direction. Be cool, be confident, and be COMPLETE…all by yourself. Then, and only then, are you ready to meet your soulmate.

Sincerely,

– Dr. G.

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Important: Responses or feedback provided to your posts are NOT a substitute for therapy or in any way meant to be therapeutic. While I hope my feedback will be beneficial, please understand that responses should be interpreted with caution and in the appropriate context, as often very limited information is provided.

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