Lewis Black Quotes

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, ‘You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.

It’s ‘Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there’s just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let’s see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that’s the truth.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes’.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

If I get a week off, I’ll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I’ll do that five days in a row.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You’re made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?