A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The greatest of all the accomplishments of 20th century science has been the discovery of human ignorance.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

These young guys are playing checkers. I’m out there playing chess.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

There’s only 2 reasons that you hate gay marriage; 1. You’re dumb, or 2. You’re secretly worried that dicks are delicious.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not ‘content creator’?

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I can’t relate to lazy people. We don’t speak the same language. I don’t understand you. I don’t want to understand you.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o’clock in the morning.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I hope we don’t tear down the patriarchy before my book comes out because my book won’t be relevant.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

If you’re gonna burn a bridge behind you, make sure you’ve crossed it first.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You don’t lead by hitting people over the head – that’s assault, not leadership.

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t… Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe…same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

I’ve got nothing to do today but smile.

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.