A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Be yourself; everyone else is taken.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The greatest of all the accomplishments of 20th century science has been the discovery of human ignorance.