Best Funny Quotes

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

Be yourself; everyone else is taken.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

The greatest of all the accomplishments of 20th century science has been the discovery of human ignorance.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.