Best Humor Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.

The greatest of all the accomplishments of 20th century science has been the discovery of human ignorance.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Books are the best friends you can have; they inform you, and entertain you, and they don’t talk back.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

When you have made a catalogue of your friend’s faults it is only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.

If you cannot prove a man wrong, don’t panic. You can always call him names.