Browsing Topic Best Humor Quotes

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.

The greatest of all the accomplishments of 20th century science has been the discovery of human ignorance.

Please don’t lie to me, unless, you’re sure I’ll never find out the truth.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

People who have no sense of humor are not aware of it. There, I just explained 35% of life.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Books are the best friends you can have; they inform you, and entertain you, and they don’t talk back.

I can’t imagine anyone voting against establishing a commission on the greatest assault since the Civil War on the Capitol. But at any rate, I came for ice cream.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.