The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
Let’s all start walking more and driving less.
If Love Were Oil, / I’d Be About a Quart Low.
On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’.