Browsing Topic Best Funny Jokes Quotes

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

A joke is either funny or it’s not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that’s what I do. I don’t start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we’re talking about it, so it was a good call.

I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I’m founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

All my cuts are always about three hours, at the start, mainly because any scene in the movie that’s 90 seconds, I probably shot a five-minute version of. If you just extrapolate that through the whole movie, I have a very long version of every scene, usually because, if there’s one funny joke, I’ll shoot five because I don’t know if the one I like is going to work. I’ll get back-ups because my biggest fear is to be in previews, testing the movie, and a joke doesn’t work, but I have no way to fix it because I have no other line.

I’m so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I’m a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

I often fake my death and then just show up at people’s houses. They say ‘that’s a good one Thom’ but I know maybe they don’t really think it’s a funny joke.

I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can’t analyze what makes a joke funny…I do not agree with that at all.

I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.